...

okay lol update i am alive again. i slept hard for like twelve hours and now i'm okay because i think my house is haunted.

i've literally never felt that scared before in my life like i don't know how to process it. good thing i've got therapy tomorrow. but yeah, it was awful.

i felt like i was dying. like i couldn't move and i couldn't stop crying and i felt just so frozen and so alone... there was so much empty space around me. it sounded like footsteps, like someone walking back and forth. it sounded so real but logically i knew it couldn't have been. i couldn't decide which was worse---whether i was hallucinating or if someone was walking around.

jimjim helped a lot. i love them so much.

mama n dad were also somewhat helpful. dad offered to fly up and help me out and then we would go to coop early, and i said no, partially because i have a lot to do here and partially because i don't know if i could handle the vibes of being in cooperstown for a whole week for a memorial. like EVERYONE is going to be there. which is good, but it's tense. and my hair is so short.

chelsea says that this area is super haunted. she had a medium in her apartment at one point, and she and joseph have both seen and felt presences. she says it has something to do with the energy here, the way people are constantly coming and going. also, right now, all the empty space. when i was in my bed, i felt acutely aware of all the space around me. my apartment seemed way too big, like the door was too far away, and even though downstairs was watching seinfeld really realy loud, the fact that the other connecting unit is empty also felt strange.

i used to be okay at functioning without sleep. in high school, i pulled an all-nighter before the PSSAs and i still did pretty well on the test (though i would nap as soon as i finished a section and then ari would hit my chair with a plastic sword when we started the next one). yesterday was bad though. i think maybe some of it came from the stress and whatnot, panic attacks are rough. but i was in like a total fugue state.

i still have no idea how i managed a meeting with dan. i'm psyched about my paper though, it's going to be super interesting. it was good to get my positive reading on paper. also dan gave me his key card??? i forgot about that until like three seconds ago. wild.

i also foraged for some file folders. i think i have a handle on what i need to do to clean my place so i can call michelle about the mold situation. im glad i got that off my chest too.

to find the file folders, i explored merrill. i walked really slowly and tried every door knob. my reasoning was that i had been scared, so now it was my turn to be scary. it was a lot of fun though, i wish i could remember it better. i think it's really nice to know where things are. i'm hoping to maybe get in with the sculpture studio sometime in the next year? i know they have a lot of good resources. it would be nice.

the harpsichord in the hallway by the practice rooms was made by a guy named william nelson turpin. i wonder if he's related to dick turpin?

i saw my former coworker through the window of the financial office and i know they saw me. honestly, if we had still been good i would have called them about my panic attack last night. i've been trying to figure out how to describe what happened to me irt the station in a way that accurately describes what happened, and i think i was social-networked out of my job. cos like they're a genius and really good at what they do and i am good at what i do and i care about them and about the station and i had big plans and im an execution guy, like a black button down guy, and they're a dreams guy and maybe someone else was their sean parker or maybe they just didn't see the work i was doing as valuable, so when i gave them an excuse, they froze me out. i was the business head of the company and i made a bad business deal with my own company. i won't smash their laptop though.

sorry, my collaborative spirit's at the cleaners

whatever. i'm trying to be more fine about it. well, actually i'm trying to allow myself to feel grief for the future, all the things i wanted to do. it's okay.

i'm going to find a time to see aaron for coffee sometime before i leave. and i do need to get my work done for dawn's class cos i missed a day. i'm okay now, though, i'm not scared anymore really only a little bit.

i watched the don't cry episode of game changer while i ate leftover spaghetti and cried a lot. it was lovely.